Unknown.
Today, I am disheartened. I am down. I am frustrated.
In 2 weeks I am done teaching...for how long? I honestly don't know.
This wasn't my plan, this wasn't by choice.
I'm sad. Confused.
I worked hard for 5 years...really, really hard. Harder than a lot of my friends. I was dedicated. I persevered.
Only to get laid off after 1 year.
There are no teaching jobs in California for this next year.
Spent my lunch hour looking up jobs in other states, other countries...
But I don't really want to leave, do I?
...
I wish I trusted God more than I do.
I need a hug this afternoon, and a safe, soft place to cry.
Where do You want me now, Lord?
...I wish I knew.
Peace.
I've been obsessed with that word lately.
Not in the "I'm a hippie, would-be-woodstock-going, hug-a-tree, war-is-bad" sense of the word, but the Biblical sense of this word.
As a woman with serious control issues, my prayer for myself, what I seek after most often, is simply peace. I long for rest.calm.peace.
Today, at the beach, I felt it. It lasted for few precious moments, but it was there. I breathed in the smell of the ocean, and breathed out all the worries/stresses that cloud me daily.
He is good.
"You keep him in perfect peace
whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you." ~Isaiah 26:3
"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” ~John 16:33
Worth it? I must believe it will be.
The thing about faith is, it takes just that, faith. As a Christian, having faith in Christ, faith that "no good thing will He withold from those whose walk is blameless", faith that God will keep His promises, faith that everything you do makes a difference.
Somedays this is tough...especially in the world we live in. Everything around us, media, friends, family, school, music, etc. wants to tell us that our faith is pointless. That the way we are living is for no reason. That God is trying to trick us out of the "fun" of here and now. It is as old as Adam and Eve.
So why am I so susceptible to believing it still? Believing the lies that the serpent feeds me daily?
I have to believe that living for His will, in His way, will be worth it.
I have to.
"It will be worth it all someday
It will be worth it to go the straight and narrow way
When we finally see His face
And feel His warm embrace
It will be worth it all that day
These present troubles don't compare
To all the glory our God, He has prepared
'Cause when we finally see His face
And feel His strong embrace
It will be worth it all that day
And I can see the angels as they celebrate and call your name
And I can hear the Father, with a tear in His eye,
As He says well done my good and faithful servant
Well done.
It will be worth it all that day"
Lord, I pray that I will live my life in such a way that you will look at me and say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant."
Deep
Tomorrow is CBU's graduation..and it also marks 2 years since I've walked across the stage to receive a diploma myself. Little did I know, as a smiling, excited 21 year-old, what those two years would hold. All of the laughter, excitement, fun times....to all of the sadness, broken hearts, and tears.
The ups and the downs. I've come to realize, since leaving, that this is what life after college is made of. High times, and low times.
Yes, there were high times and low times throughout my college experience, but for the most part, it was a pretty easy, fun-filled, Spiritual, as well as academic, growth time in my life.
Life is not as kind as what we affectionately refer to as the "bubble" of CBU. It's hard. Your decisions, good or bad, truly become
your decisions. They are not your roommate's, your professor's, your FOCUS leader's, your parent's or your friend's decisions: they are yours. This is where it got tough for me. The true test of character, integrity...yes, I could walk the walk well with all eyes watching. Who was I/am I outside of the bubble?
This is where is has been tough. Where I have failed over, and over, and over again. Will I ever get it right?
I am so sorry Lord.
"When Satan tempts me to despair,
And tells me of the guilt within,
Upward I look, and see him there
Who made an end of all my sin.
Because a sinless Savior died,
My sinful soul is counted free;
For God, the Just, is satisfied
To look on Him and pardon me."
